


Perfect Idol (the toil and trouble remix)

by ltgmars



Category: Arashi (Band), Kanjani8 (Band)
Genre: Fantasy, Genderswap, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-05
Updated: 2013-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:35:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25014820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ltgmars/pseuds/ltgmars
Summary: Matsumoto Jun only has one good performance in him each day. This is why. (The reality in which Matsumoto Jun can't really sing, and the parallel reality in which Yuuko, Subako, and Hinako are the witches who curse him with his lack of talent.)
Relationships: Aiba Masaki/Yokoyama Yuu, Matsumoto Jun/Ninomiya Kazunari





	Perfect Idol (the toil and trouble remix)

**Author's Note:**

> Remix of [birthday coffee](http://kamja.livejournal.com/33729.html) by [](https://kamja.livejournal.com/profile)[kamja](https://kamja.livejournal.com/) for [](https://jentfic-remix.livejournal.com/profile)[jentfic_remix](https://jentfic-remix.livejournal.com/) Cycle 10, originally posted [here](http://jentfic-remix.livejournal.com/101831.html). I took an Arashi fic and gave it a Sanbaka backstory. This is written from the witch Yuuko's point of view and focuses mainly on the witch reality. Familiarity with Kanjani8's 7 Okans skits isn't necessary to enjoy the fic, but it will certainly help (and entertain!). Thanks to [](https://lover-youshould.livejournal.com/profile)[lover_youshould](https://lover-youshould.livejournal.com/) for the pom-poms, and to [](https://alphie-damiek.livejournal.com/profile)[alphie_damiek](https://alphie-damiek.livejournal.com/) for being the best.

Matsumoto Jun is born with a face that can be seen from the moon. His cheekbones rise like peaks, and his eyebrows are a cloudy swirl over the map of his features.

Yuuko's human counterpart is two years old then, his diaper filled with moist excrement that Yuuko kind of finds funny despite herself. The human toddler doesn't know about Matsumoto Jun, doesn't care about anything outside of his immediate landscape. Yuuko, likewise, finds little of interest besides her human self. There are bouncy toys to kick around and dangerous things to put in his mouth, and Yuuko is having enough trouble just keeping little Kimitaka alive.

*

Yuuko lives on a largely uninhabited island south of the main island of Japan. The Witches' Council had put a series of spells on it -- directional spells, memory spells, scent spells -- so that it couldn't be found by humans. Their little colony of witches remains undiscovered and unbothered, and for the most part, that's what they want. What it means to Yuuko, though, is that the friends she has on the island are the only ones she's got.

It isn't a terrible thing. She loves Subako and Hinako like family -- she grew up with them, and she knows everything from their favorite potions to what they look like naked. The company isn't bad at all, really. It's just that the lack real things to do and people to interact with makes her feel stagnant. She's on one of the greenest islands in Japan and she still feels like there isn't enough air to breathe.

It comes up one day when Subako's messed up on her allegiance spell and glued another roller to her hair. Yuuko tries to tease it out but decides after an unenthusiastic failed attempt that it would be better to shift it farther away from the other rollers, give it space to roam.

"We should do something," Yuuko says, picking at Subako's hair because she has nothing else to do at the kitchen table. Subako raises her head, and the new roller snuggles in further with an aggressive hiss that echoes off the cottage walls. Mii-chan, pawing around Yuuko's legs, jumps and hisses back.

"Something?" Hinako parrots from where she's sitting on the couch, fixing Yuuko with the most beautiful eyes on the island.

"Something different." Yuuko leans forward to pick the grey tabby up and collect her in her lap, giving her gentle strokes behind the ears as she waits for the wisdom of her words to sink in.

Subako scratches at her hair, her head of curls moving as one. "You're going to have to give us more than that."

Yuuko shrugs. There's so much she's trying to say. "You don't get bored being on this island? Doing nothing but witch things? _Studying?_ " The last word comes out in a snarl.

Hinako leans back, nodding. "I understand your feelings, but we can't do anything about that. We're witches. That's what we do." She says it in a way that's open for discussion instead of dismissive. It's one of the things Yuuko loves about her.

"Though you know," Subako says, lowering her voice conspiratorially. The candles around the room flicker and thunder rolls toward them, and Mii-chan yowls in alarm, her ears flattening against her head defensively. Yuuko's half convinced that Subako only says ominous things because she likes how good she is at changing the atmosphere.

And yet Yuuko's leaning in anyway, terribly curious, ears perked, fingers already itching to concoct a plan even before she knows what Subako's idea is. Yuuko will be the first to admit that she's a mediocre witch, but Scheming has always been the subject she's excelled in.

"If you're really serious about doing something new," Subako continues, her eyes twinkling aggressively, another talent she's mastered, "we could probably ask that old witch on the mountain."

*

Kimitaka is fifteen when he joins Johnny's and Associates. It's Christmas, and the present he gets is two other boys by the name of Shibutani Subaru and Murakami Shingo, strangers who'll become lifelong friends, even if they don't know it yet.

Yuuko and Hinako know it. Subako would know it, too, if she weren't running late. As soon as Yuuko curses her name three times, Subako appears, like magic, Mii-chan in one arm and half a dozen eggs in the other. "Your cat was laying eggs in the park again."

"You should really find a way to reverse that fertility spell, Yuuko."

"You two do it! You were the ones practicing on my cat!"

They watch their human counterparts from their cottage on the island, eating scrambled eggs, looking on through the foggy old mirror the mountain witch had given them. Yuuko has certain expectations for their first encounter: Subaru will be shy, Shingo will be polite, Kimitaka won't know what he's doing. It's not unlike their first day at witches' school all those years ago, but with more dancing and fewer nice boobs to admire.

*

Everyone knows about the old witch on the mountain. The rumors about her trickle into every witch's consciousness from a very young age, like fog from the hills down into the plains. By the time it reaches Yuuko's generation, knowledge about the mountain witch is almost common sense, something instinctual that all witches know never to question or act on.

Yuuko, Subako, and Hinako make their way up the mountain using a series of safety and energy spells, knowing full well that they shouldn't be doing what they're doing. Hinako ends up leading the charge even though it was Subako's idea to begin with, and between complaints that they're going to die even before they reach the old witch, Yuuko finds time to be grateful that she gets to spend her final moments doing something fun with her two best friends.

They reach a small clearing on the side of the mountain, spreading out just wide enough to hint at a path off to one side. They wordlessly follow the natural curve of the trail -- unnatural, really, because there's no reason a mountain would have a trail to begin with -- moving deeper into the mountain. The foliage grows denser and more chaotic, and the group moves forward only because when they turn back to see where they came from, the path they'd just been on is gone.

The rumors say that anyone looking for the mountain witch will find her easily, that the witch has enchanted the mountain to lead her visitors forward, but in actuality, she's the one who finds her visitors first.

"Who's there?" they hear all around them, a shrill, raspy voice reaching out to them like a gnarled hand. Their feet move forward automatically, their bodies summoned while their minds struggle to keep up. Yuuko finds just enough control of her motor skills to grab her companions' hands as they're pulled forward.

They soon find themselves at the mouth of a cave. It's largely hidden by prickly bushes and draping vines, and if it weren't for the strange tugging at their navels that compels them into the cave, it's likely they would have missed it altogether. They step over the bushes, duck under the vines, and push forward into the darkness, their footsteps echoing around them.

"Come to me, my pretties," beckons the voice from before. Yuuko tightens her grip on her friends' hands, and it's a bad idea, such a bad idea, but all she can do is feel in horror as their legs carry them forward. They're walking directly into the lair of the stereotypical witch, who will probably eat them and spit their remains at hikers and forget to feed Mii-chan her Sunday tuna treat.

As they travel deeper into the cave, a faint light appears in the distance, revealing a hooded figure slouching cross-legged in front of a small fire. Yuuko flicks her fingers in Subako's palm, mumbling a quick moistening incantation that helps her keep her eyes open as they approach the other witch.

"What's your business here?" she asks in an amused tone when they reach the fire, not bothering to look at them.

"We thought," Yuuko squeaks out. Hinako drops her hand to swat at her head, and Subako shifts nervously. "We've been bored, so we thought we'd come say hello."

"Hmm." The mountain witch leans toward the fire, the flickering light revealing a long, pointy nose and lips as thin as fishing wire.

Yuuko panics. "If you eat us, please don't dishonor our bones. Unless you eat those, too, in which case do whatever you want with them. Maybe you can save them for a spell. Hinako has the prettiest bones in the world, so you could use them for a beauty potion or something. Not that you'd need it! What I can see of your chin and mouthal area are very beautiful..."

What begins as a sinister chuckle evolves into a full-out cackle, spurring Yuuko to talk faster and louder in a desperate attempt to delay their inevitable doom.

"I have a cat at home who's been with me my entire life, and I'd appreciate if you could take care of her. You can eat whatever you want in my refrigerator as long as you tell me beforehand. Ah, though after you eat me I guess that doesn't matter anymore. Please don't eat my cat..."

"Enough." It's an icy command that leaves Yuuko silent and shivering. Next to her, Subako and Hinako are similarly frozen.

The mountain witch smiles, exposing a terrifying row of sharp, grimy teeth. "Let's be friends now. I'm happy to have visitors, so I'll teach you something good."

"Something good?" Hinako repeats cautiously.

"A way to create human life."

"Isn't that just sex?" Subako mutters, a quiet release of nerves. Hinako shushes her and nods, urging the mountain witch to continue.

"I live in the human world, too," the mountain witch says. Yuuko, intrigued, relaxes just enough to listen. Maybe the mountain witch isn't going to eat them after all. "It gives me something to keep track of when I'm all alone here because everyone's too scared to come say hello."

Yuuko dips her head sheepishly. "There are rumors," she explains weakly.

"Rumors." The mountain witch lets out a single piercing laugh. "I can't imagine what they say."

"That aside," Hinako presses, "please tell us more about the human world. How long have you been a part of it? Is it an easy spell?"

Yuuko raises an eyebrow at Hinako, surprised at her eagerness. Hinako catches her eye and gives her a serious nod, and Yuuko understands; Hinako's still worried about their safety, and she's trying to get on the mountain witch's good side by asking about her experiences.

"Sit down, won't you?" The mountain witch invites them to the ground with a wide gesture of her knotted arm. "I look and sound like this, but I don't bite unless you ask me to."

Yuuko trades uncomfortable looks with her friends as they fold slowly to the ground like skittish birds. And then the mountain witch tells them about the human world.

Her human counterpart is an older man by now. She doesn't have direct access to his thoughts, and he doesn't know she exists. She simply watches him through an old mirror, occasionally casting spells to lead him to certain thought processes or to convince him to try certain things. For the most part, however, she acts as a passive observer.

"So you don't actually get to be a human," Subako says, disappointment evident in her voice. "That would have been cool."

The mountain witch shrugs, shoulders cracking as they rise and fall back into place. "It's plenty interesting to watch. I get to see how I would have turned out as a human."

"What's your human do anyway?" Yuuko asks, too curious for her own good.

"He collects young boys," the mountain witch says, her voice tinged with wistful satisfaction. She turns to Yuuko and scowls. "To train them as entertainers, I should mention, not to eat them."

"I wasn't going to say it," Yuuko whispers bitterly to Hinako.

"Can we... try it?" Subako asks timidly. Yuuko and Hinako turn to her and whisper in unison, "Really?"

"You wanted to do something different, didn't you?"

"Well, that's true," but Yuuko can barely keep herself together. Watching a human fall apart seems like more pain than it's worth.

"Try it out," the mountain witch cuts in. "I have all of the ingredients for the spell here in my suite, and all I need from you three are hairs off those beautiful heads of yours."

Yuuko lets out a sigh, staring at the edge of the fire for a long moment before looking up and nodding. "We're already at your mercy, so if we have to die here, at least we'll go out in an interesting way."

"You're rude, aren't you?" the mountain witch scolds, reaching forward. Yuuko leans her head down, and with every hair plucked from her head, she can hear Mii-chan at home, meowing cutely.

"Now when your human counterparts are born," the mountain witch explains, still plucking, "they won't know each other. Just make sure you direct their lives enough to send them to my company, and they'll find each other there."

"You just want more pretty boys to look at," Yuuko says knowingly.

The mountain witch laughs, and it sounds much more melodious than it did before. "You next?" she says instead, turning to Subako.

"Her hair might be harder to get," Yuuko explains seriously. "I think it all comes in one piece."

*

The first time Kimitaka is sent to Tokyo, he doesn't know what to expect. He's glad to have Subaru and Hina with him, because the thought of travelling to the main Johnny's headquarters is terrifying enough already, especially with the burden of being one of the "popular" Kansai juniors. If he has to meet all the cool Tokyo kids and get fired from the company for not being good enough and commit seppuku out of shame, at least his two new friends will be there to behead him afterwards.

The first person they meet when they make it to the dance studio is Takizawa, one of the juniors already working his way up to ring leader status. He greets them with the smile that's won over the nation, and he leads them to the dressing room full of kids their age, all dressed better and knowing what they're doing. Kimitaka instinctually seeks out the safest place to be, and he finds it when he spots a clueless-looking boy sitting at a table in the corner, watching the other boys in the room with a quiet smile. Kimitaka moves forward gingerly, and the clueless boy catches Kimitaka's eye and smiles at him.

"New here?"

Kimitaka nods and urges his nerves to stay quiet in his stomach instead of coming up out his throat. "Yokoyama Kimitaka. Please keep me in your favor." Subaru and Hina introduce themselves likewise.

The other boy nods in return. "Aiba Masaki. I'm kind of new, too. Only been here a few months."

"Do you live in the dorms?" Hina asks, undoubtedly trying to get the skinny on what will be their own living arrangement over the next few months. He slides into the chair next to Aiba, and Aiba makes a small noise of protest. "That's Ni--"

"Aiba-kun," a stern voice cuts in. A slim boy with an expressionless face approaches the table. "Didn't I tell you to save my seat?"

Hina jumps out of the chair like it's burst into flames, and the new boy shakes his head and giggles. "I was just kidding. You can sit there."

Aiba frowns. "Don't be mean, Nino. They're new."

The boy called Nino smiles innocently as he looks at each of the newcomers in turn. A brick of dread settles in Kimitaka's gut. "You know me, Aiba-kun. I'm always nice."

An island away, a witch turns to her best friends and says, "This one's going to be a little shit when he grows up."

*

It's decided a week into their human dorm life some time later: they must place a curse on Matsumoto Jun.

"He's too perfect," Yuuko says, picking through tea leaves at the kitchen table to find one she wants to drink. "He's cute now, but you know he's going to grow up to be a delicious man."

"He's younger than all of our humans but he's been in the company longest," Subako adds. "And Johnny-san picked him directly? Is the mountain witch taunting us?"

"Now, now," Hinako chides, pouring hot water into their teacups. Mii-chan whines at her, and she crouches down to pet her on the head, refilling her bowl with a water spell. "I know you're prone to jealousy and being terrible, _Yuuko_."

Yuuko scoffs and lifts her teacup with a derisive pinky up.

"But how old is this kid? Fourteen? You really want to curse a fourteen-year-old human because he has more going for him than you do?"

Yuuko doesn't respond. They all know what the answer is.

"Let's visit the mountain witch again," Subako suggests after teatime.

"Seriously? I think I lost fifteen years of my life the last time we went." Yuuko frowns at the memory.

"Maybe if you stopped talking about how she's going to eat us, you'd be able to relax more."

Yuuko gasps, offended. "How dare you, Hinako. You know neither of those things is possible."

The mountain witch surprises them all when she tells them that she'd been thinking of it herself. "From a marketing perspective, idols shouldn't be perfect. It's useful if they're good at a lot of things, but I think there's something to be said about idols who are relatable, who show some weaknesses but are more than anything just the guys next door who encourage you to do your best."

Yuuko watches as the mountain witch's mouth moves around her teeth, horrified at the sight but impressed all the same at how much thought she's put into what her human counterpart does with his time.

"So what do you suggest?" Hinako asks, finally on board once she has a noble reason in front of her.

"Johnny's idols aren't exactly highly acclaimed for their singing," the mountain witch says with a wry grin, or maybe she's hungry after all. Yuuko is never quite sure. "So it wouldn't be a huge loss to make another one a little bad at it."

Yuuko nods. "How bad is a little bad? Can we make people's ears actually bleed?"

"No," the mountain witch responds dismissively. She considers. "Well, yes, we can, but we're not going to. Let's be merciful since he _is_ rather cute."

Subako sighs. "The Tokyo kids get all the luck."

They watch a dance rehearsal from the mountain witch's cave to check on the effects of the curse. By their calculations, Matsumoto should have one good song performance in him each day. He's still too young to be doing any singing for an audience, but they look on during a break, when the rest of the kids have scattered to chat with their friends and Matsumoto insists on solidifying the choreography.

"He sings to himself when there's no music, doesn't he?" Hinako asks quietly.

He does. And to Yuuko's delight, it's _awful_.

*

Life goes on. Yuuko lets Kimitaka exist on his own, and most of the time he does fine. When she does check on him, it's evident that the memory enhancement spell she'd cast has worn off, and his group members are now burdened with making sure he hasn't forgotten his wallet anywhere. She feels a measure of shame that he's as scattered as she is, but mostly she's glad that he has the same support that she does, friends like family to take care of them.

Yuuko is at the kitchen table feeding her cat purin when the mirror flashes. Subako had cast a spell on it to alert them when something interesting is happening -- important conversations, sex so they can watch. Yuuko calls the others down from their rooms and performs the incantation that brings the mirror to life.

Yuuko finds Kimitaka on the set for his drama with Ninomiya (who did, in fact, turn out as little and shitty as they predicted, but who has his own kind of warmth tucked away for the people he loves). Kimitaka asks about how Aiba's doing, and Ninomiya and Yuuko both agree that Kimitaka's being stupid for asking after his own boyfriend.

"How's _your_ boyfriend, then?" Kimitaka volleys, trying to pretend he isn't wounded.

"Jun-kun's good. Oh, what, you didn't expect me to actually have a boyfriend? Ah-hah, I see." Ninomiya smirks and flips through his script casually.

Kimitaka's shock is mirrored in the witches' faces on the other side of the mirror. He's dating MatsuJun? _The MatsuJun?_ Yuuko will always have a little crush on him that shrinks and swells with jealousy depending on how cool he's looking on the other side of the mirror.

Ninomiya smiles then, that secret warmth he only lets out when he's with someone he truly cares about. "We just started dating. He keeps serenading me, and I can't tell whether he's trying to get his bad takes out on me or he's purposely wasting his voice when it isn't important."

"It's probably important to him," Subako says with a smile on her face. Hinako nods. They've been following this group of boys for so long that they have a stake in their happiness just as much as the boys do themselves.

"Must be nice, though," Kimitaka says earnestly. "To have him care that much about you."

"If you say so." Ninomiya tweaks his lip up and slides further down into his seat, clearly embarrassed. Yuuko, Subako, and Hinako spend the rest of the afternoon looking after Kimitaka and taunting Ninomiya, loud and gleeful even though they're the only ones who know they exist. It's okay that way, though, Yuuko decides. The three of them are together, and that's all Yuuko needs.

The next room over, Mii-chan lays an egg in her litter box and buries it like a story in the sand.


End file.
